need prayer
Well, since we all seem to be revealing our deepest thoughts here on the blog, I'll just go ahead and be honest and ask for your prayers. I'm in a yucky place, a bit of a faith crisis, I guess. Suddenly, this whole poor, moving to Como, selling our stuff thing is not about doing something good or even about obeying Jesus (although I want to). Staying in my 3000 square foot house or moving to a 1500 sq foot house - if I don't know how worthy Jesus is, how LORD He is, either place is miserable. Having lots of stuff or having nothing - both positions are miserable without knowing the Love of Jesus. This sounds terrible, but the questions that I find myself asking right now are "Why am I even thinking about doing any of this? Is Jesus really worth it? Is this all about my love for Him or something else?" Jamey just preached on Jesus yesterday - His worth, Him as precious, as the Treasure. If this is not my driving motivation then I will crash, no matter where we are in the world. I feel like such a hypocrite when you guys or anyone else talk about our "sacrifice" or our great hearts in wanting to help the poor. Ha. I told Randy that I have this feeling that we are on a boat right now. Jumping back in the water is not an option (unfortunately it's hard to ignore what the Lord has revealed and I really don't want to go backward), but life on the boat is making me really seasick right now!! I'm "stuck" in this faith battle and I need breakthrough. Please pray that I will catch a glimpse of the unfathomable beauty of Jesus - if I miss this, then there will never be lasting joy in ANY trial, but especially those associated with what we're looking at doing right now. Joy is promised, rejoicing is commanded. I'm not like you, Jill! I'm a WIMP!! In one of his sermon biographies, John Piper talks about how we are so wimpy and weak in our American culture - we don't like anything to be hard. That would be me. Pray, pray, pray. I feel like I could pray and read my Bible for hours on end(not really an option in this season of life) - need breakthrough!!
Love you guys and I am so encouraged by this crazy blog! I was just telling someone today that this blog has been one of the biggest blessings! I feel like I know some of you better than I ever have. REally cool. Thanks Alan and Holly!
And thanks, Dale. I am honored and blessed to be able to claim you as my father-in-law. I love your learner's heart and your love for people. Your wisdom, thoughts, and love are treasured.
Love to everyone,
Anda
posted by Mama Brown @ 3:26 PM
2 Comments:
hey gal- let's get one thing clear - there's plenty of WIMP in my blood, too. It's called being human. You would not be "real" if you didn't ever have any self-doubts (I'm having a few myself, lately). You would never be a target for Satan's doubt hurled at you if you weren't doing something he didn't like.
You're taking an honest look at those waves and they're looking mighty big! You know He loves to rescue stuck people. He was born to do that. He's really very good at it!
Nobody can do everything or anything really for the right reasons -we're broken & we're unable. It's a good thing, too, or I might be tempted to put myself in the "non-wimp" category.
Your forgiven-hypocrite sister-in-law who loves you,
Jill
ps. nobody even noticed that I'm not saying the "G" word anymore
Anda, the really hard thing is to make the connection between being really in awe of Jesus and living on a specific path of service. If I could be really, really sure that walking a valley is for His sake, the journey would be easier. My spiritual vision is not long-range enough or clear enough that I can be sure I am moving to the right destination. I also have learned that the way I feel about things is not a particularly reliable compass. Love you.
Dale
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