random thoughts

Okay, I'll just go ahead and warn you that I don't think this blog will sound very upbeat (ha - I just read it and that is an understatement; I'm considering erasing the whole thing!). I can't remember a time when life just felt so heavy (and Tod and LeeAnn, I'm so aware of how trite much of this will sound in light of the heaviness you guys are experiencing - almost seems silly to even express this, but here I am, writing anyway).

We're just in the middle of a grieving season and I think I don't know what to do with it or with God at the moment. Losing Connor was, and still is, a sad, sad, grieving place for all of us. In the midst of that, I (more than RB) have been "grieving" the loss of my "white middle class" world. At the moment, I don't want to see another movie or read another book about racism or the poor (and much of the time, don't even want to walk out my front door - tonight I walked out to my car on my way to rent a movie and ended up giving two rides for some of our friends at the apartments). I'm amazed at how the "homeless" sense won't go away. Feel like I don't belong anywhere. I think the worst feeling is that every time we're out of town I find myself dreading going home. Ugh!! Again, while I've heard this is all a normal part of culture shock, it seems like it will never end.
And today, I'm grieving the loss of my Granny (my dad's mother) who died this morning. She was 90 and it was time for her to go, and this is nothing like Connor's death in most ways. But it is still death and it is still hard. I was closer to her than any of my grandparents and she was the last one living. My aunt, uncle, and cousin basically watched her starve to death over the past week. Hard. Her funeral is Saturday. We'll be there before heading to Op Camp on Sunday.
Some of you know about my VERY bizarre (actually demonic) stronghold/phobia about throwing up and Randy is the fourth one in our family to go down with a stomach virus this week (praise God he got it before he takes his medical board exams on Friday). Luke, Moriah, and I are the only ones left - praying that this STOPS and that we can be healthy for this weekend, etc. And praying for relief from anxiety.
Add to all this the fact that I'm 9 weeks pregnant, feeling very yucky, and have had VERY little sleep over the past month (I think I've developed mild insomnia), and most days feel like only survival. I told someone recently that the kind of depression that keeps falling on me (it's not always this bad) is like having vertigo under water in the dark. You know the surface is up there somewhere, but you just can't seem to find it.

So why am I writing all this to you guys? I have no idea, except that I need you to pray. Want so much to be overflowing with joy and peace in Jesus and one of my consistent prayers right now is please don't let me go.

On a lighter note! I went to the doctor on Monday and was thoroughly pleased to see just ONE cute little baby with a strong heart! For some reason, I was a little nervous that this could have been two. Thankful we'll still be able to fit in large SUV's! I've already had a few of the "do you know what causes this?" comments and have thought of you, Trisha. Ha!

I'm tempted to wipe out this whole blog, but also know I need your prayers (and so does my sweet husband - we're both just so, so tired and he's living with me!). This IS just a season and God is using it for His glory and our good. I know that this is true, although I would be a liar to say that I feel it.

We'll probably see most of you in Midland this weekend. Love you all a lot and I'm very thankful for you.

Love,
Anda

P.S. Alan, on July 29th Ron and Denver (Same Kind of Different...) are going to be at a church about 3 minutes from our house speaking together. Just wanted to let you know because I had heard you say you'd like to meet Denver. We plan on going.